Discernment (It's a long and personal one)

I think it’s been a little less than a month since the last time I wrote. This is not for lack of  thoughts or happenings. In fact, the exact opposite, lack of time. 

I’m writing today because I got hit hard in spiritual direction over the weekend. I’ve been struggling for basically the past year (and, actually, most of my life) to figure out God’s call. For me, that’s lodged somewhere between medicine and ministry. I feel called to medicine for a couple days and then flip to ministry for a few and then back. I wrestled with the two for several months around this time last year and then was given the wise advice to simply rest with the decision in God’s presence. It was hard at first, but eventually it got easier. I still had occasional panic attacks about what I was doing with my life, but they became much less frequent (short blips of time rather than a continuous state). I had entered this year in JVC as a “year of jubilee” (credit to my previous spiritual director), ready to feel out the ministry side of myself that I had never experienced professionally. But things never really work out as you planned. I told Fr. Steve, my current spiritual director, earlier this year that one of the things I’ve struggled with was this vocational decision. That came to a pinnacle this weekend. 

The problemS with education

Apparently, one of the smartest things I’ve ever said: Education is a problem because we just throw a bunch of kids together. Mike and I were having a conversation today about education’s downfalls. He was positing that one of the biggest problems was the lack of quality professional development teachers get. He makes a good point. We just received the results of our teacher surveys and we have weak professional development. He pointed out that the graduate level class he was taking in his discipline  had completely changed many of his lesson plans. Something 7 years of professional development had failed to accomplish. Big problem, but not the biggest in my opinion. 

Science in the classroom

My principal has me observing (not shadowing- silly medical language) a bunch of different teachers in the building to get an idea of different teaching models. One of the teachers I had the opportunity to observe is Mr. Snow. He teaches biology and anatomy. The class I observed was freshmen biology. They were working on worksheets and while I expected to just passively observe, Mr. Snow had me up and working with students in a matter of minutes. It was so fun! Teaching the periodic table was awesome. It’s such a nice contrast from theology- something concrete and easy to explain. I was actually really surprised by how much I enjoyed the experience. I thought I was falling into much more of a groove with theology without missing science, but I guess that wasn’t the case! I offered my help to Mr. Snow anytime he needed it and he said he would take me up on that. Since then I’ve help with 2 labs, which was a blast. Yay for discerning! 

City on a Hill

For those of you that don’t know the long and arduous story of how I finally decided to participate in JVC, ask me some other time. For those of you that do know, you’ll know that City on a Hill (the Catholic young adult group in KC) was a big reason for me to come to KC. Well we attended our first official CoH gathering today! Ironically, it was also the first gathering for CoH’s brand new director. We had adoration (which was a rather interesting Anglican ceremony of some sort- we got there late) and then Dave, the new director, gave a talk. It was a wonderful evening with a great turnout. I’m definitely looking forward to being a part of this community!

Soccer

Firstly, I would just like to acknowledge how awesome the game of soccer is. In what other sport can you have true pickup games in? The only thing it really requires is a ball, ideally 2 goals and a couple field markers. I’ve been fortunate enough to finally find a league in KC, and even better, it’s free! We play every Tue night up on top of a beautiful hill. It’s a coed league that draws quite the crowd- by the end of the night we’re usually playing 15 v 15. It’s so much fun. 

Secondly, I would like to say how much fun it is to coach soccer. There is no better way to give back to a sport that’s given me so much than pass on my knowledge and experience. Oh yeah, it’s frustrating at times, but so worth it in the end. The absolute joy on your player’s face when she finally masters a technique or scores a goal or makes a play is priceless. Which is why I’m so excited to help coach the Bishop Ward team! I’m also excited to know the girls in a different capacity. This week they had a meeting for the soccer team, in which the coach mentioned I’d be helping coach. The girls came back from the meeting and started talking to me about soccer and asking me what position I played, etc, etc. Even one student, who’s attitude toward me had previously been pretty hostile, was asking questions. Coaching increased my street cred with the students! (Future teachers take note.) So pumped for preseason. 

Homecoming

You know how in college homecoming is a weekend of festivities? Well think back to your high school days... when it was a week long. We had dress down days all week: college day, twin day, black and white day (school colors), decade day (50s for the senior class), and dress up day (Mass). There was the pepfest on Wed night: an hour of homecoming court introductions, a cheerleader routine, parade of the floats (oh yes, each class made floats- not something we did in high school), and speeches on behalf of all fall sports teams. Not to mention Homecoming Mass, which is an entire event requiring careful orchestration. I had been warned to abbreviate lessons this week and make them a little less intense, because there was simply no way to retain students’ attention. Fortunately, my class is in the afternoon. While many other teachers I talked to had problems with keeping their students behaving and on task, I had no problems. I think probably by the time the students got to me they were too tired to try anything. 

Though I’m not an avid football fan and had not been to a game yet this season, I decided to stay for the homecoming game on Friday night. It was a blast! I watched with a couple of teachers until halftime and then we all went out to a local bar. We just chilled for a bit- conversing about politics, theology, and beer among other things (conversations of champions). It also happened that Friday was the first major storm we’ve experienced in KC! So we pulled the get-soaked-running-from-the-bar-to-the-car move on our way out. :) Great night. Have I mentioned how awesome my teaching community is?

Fundraising Weekend

This weekend we were a part of 3 different fundraisers. Friday night we were part of Donnelly College’s Fund-a-Scholar. It was a rather fancy affair held at an historical air museum. A catered dinner and open bar. We were able to go and enjoy the evening before helping with cleanup. They managed to raise the $300,000 they needed to fill the gap between their income and expenses, which was amazing. People were donating $10,000 at a time. 

On Saturday night I worked at Bishop Ward’s Auction, which was cool. In previous years, the auction has been held at a rather fancy hotel with everything in one room. This year, to cut expenses, they decided to host the event at the school. This means the teachers spent about half the day on Friday (no school for the students) setting up. Well, it paid off because it looked pretty good Saturday night. There were a couple hiccups in the evening (trying to make students be social and welcoming is a little difficult), but overall it was a lovely event. Probably the best part was hanging out with my fellow teachers. Once we got off duty we were able to enjoy ourselves. We spectated the live auction (they talk so fast and it’s such a detailed system!), shared some fried food (yes, they did hire a food truck for the end of the night), and then left. They are a great group of people. I could not have asked for a more supportive and wonderful work community. 

Sunday we volunteered at the parish picnic. The weather was absolutely beautiful and the food was delicious. We had the opportunity to eat with Fr. Steve, who is an absolute riot and tells the best stories. He made up a song to the tune of the closing hymn of Mass about burgers and hot dogs. We helped the parish clean-up after the picnic, which resulted in us bringing home a rather large box of leftovers. The generosity of this community is boundless. 

Call to family, community and participation

For our unit on call to family, community, and participation (a theme of Catholic social teaching) we had our students interview some teachers in the building about their families. We did this as a sort of time-filler (which I’ll explain in a moment), but it was actually a pretty powerful exercise for the students. I think as students, especially in grade school and high school, we don’t usually recognize our teachers as actual people. We sort of assume that they live in the school and spend all their time with the other teachers talking about education things. We usually don’t question what their personal or social lives look like, and we certainly don’t wonder about their backgrounds and histories. This exercise made our students inquire about specifically those topics. It was great to see their responses. They all seemed to have a good time interviewing their teachers and liked reporting back to everyone the interesting information they discovered. I think also, on some level, this experience puts them on more equal footing with the teachers. They feel more like adults because they are respected and valued enough to be trusted with this sensitive information. 

As a side note, someone PLEASE write something about the theological values of family. We had such a hard time with this lesson because there was NOTHING out there on the theological value of family. There was a ton of stuff on marriage, even a little bit on parenting, but not an ounce on children’s role in a family. How can we discuss the call to family, when the Church doesn’t really take the time to talk about it? Any ideas on ways to engage high school students in the idea of the family?

Semantics

I am a huge fan of retreats. I started attending in grade school, continued in high school (shout out to TEC and Kairos), and became a leader on many in college, even co-creating a weekend. I think the thing I like most about retreats is the intensive, intentional time devoted to deep questions, often focusing on faith or personal experiences. It’s one of the few places left in our world that people are willing to be fully vulnerable. I also love the community created in retreats. The personal openness fostered in retreat settings forges deep bonds quickly, ones lasting lifetimes. 

Perhaps this is why I care immensely about the content of retreats. On Mon. Sept. 23 the seniors at Bishop Ward had their first retreat (they have another one in the spring). I had no idea what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t what I experienced. Don’t get me wrong, the retreat was a lovely break from their everyday routine. They got to be outside, share a meal together, there was a talk and small group discussion, games, and a Mass. However, nothing about the retreat seemed to sponsor vulnerability; no deep and lasting bonds formed. Now I understand that experience may be difficult to implement in a day, but I think we should at least try. Or perhaps we should name this day something else. Whatever the case is, the objectives need to be clearly defined. If the purpose was just to allow the seniors a day off of school in the name of fellowship and theology, great. That was accomplished. However, if the purpose was supposed to foster some sort of theological or religious development, we should probably reconsider the schedule for the day. 

The Nature of a Sunday

As long as I can remember, Sundays have always been low key days. Growing up we went to Mass, had a nice family brunch, took some time to read or maybe play games. In college, Sundays were reserved for Mass and intensive homework. Strangely, here I find my Sundays to be rather busy. Today is a great example. We had a brief house meeting in the morning, went to Mass, and had brunch with Jesuits (always a treat :) Then I biked to the Plaza Art Fair and hung out there for about a half hour. I don’t usually find that much joy in art. I can appreciate good art, but it’s not something I can spend more than a minute or two with. The Plaza Art Fair was great because it included live music, which I absolutely love. I lucked out and caught the beginning of a local band that just did a couple covers, but really had a great sound. Biked back to the house, grabbed a quick shower and headed over to Rockhurst to Skype with the family (my house doesn’t have internet, so we head over the University when the Web calls). A quick chat with them and it was back to the house to leave for the KC Care Clinic fundraiser. There was a silent auction and food at this gorgeous house in the historic district of KC. We, naturally, were volunteering. In the 4.5 hours we were there I drove a Mercedes-Benz and a golf cart. The whole story is sort of long (maybe I’ll come back later and write it out), but basically the driveway was incredibly steep and there also was a limited amount of convenient parking, therefore I was tasked with picking people up and bringing them to the house. The golf cart didn’t work at first, which is why I drove the Benz. All in all, it was SO FUN. I really enjoyed it. After that, a brief stop at the grocery store for our week’s rations and back to the house to prepare for the work week. Super fun, but so busy. 

The PTCs

Today was a pretty big day. After 5 weeks of class, we held parent-teacher conferences. I really haven’t been nervous about them in the past month. I think I was actually dreading the 12 hour day more than the actual conferences. However, as 12:30pm approached, I grew increasingly anxious. I’ve always been a pretty good orator. I am able to express myself well verbally and can usually think quickly on the spot. The part that made me anxious was parent impressions. I look quite young, and I wasn’t sure how I would be received by parents (imagine- What is this kid doing teaching my children?! I pay a lot of money for this education!). Luckily, I had no need to fear. I met with about 6 sets of parents throughout the night and they were all very pleasant. Some of the conversations were very short and consisted only of praise and compliments for a student. Some were more lengthy and involved talking about what a student struggles with and how we could work together to help support the student. By the end of the night I was exhausted, but I also felt affirmed in my capabilities as an educator. The parents clearly treated me as a competent authority and did not show any sign of misgivings regarding their children’s education. 

Fun little inconveniences

Today I learned that even super little things can affect an entire day. Aimee and I work across the street from each other in KCK. It would be atrocious to get there via public transport, so Donnelly College (Aimee’s placement) is kind enough to provide us with a ’98 Jeep Cherokee to carry us to and from work. The Jeep is functional, but apparently only barely so. They’ve had significant problems with it in past years that, while never dangerous, were incredibly inconvenient. I love driving and Aimee isn’t stellar with directions, so we mutually agreed that I would be the driver in our daily treks. This worked fine until today. I needed to be at a meeting for work and because my only source of transportation is the Jeep, I planned to use that. Well, apparently that wasn’t so kosher with Donnelly. Aimee called me several hours before my meeting, and her supervisor informed me that Aimee was the only one who was supposed to be driving the Jeep because she is the only one insured. Donnelly acknowledged my need for transportation for work related purposes, and since Bishop Ward is paying for half our gas, they kindly offered to insure me on the Jeep as well. I say this very sarcastically now, but really they were very kind about it. I was just irritated that there was not foresight enough to anticipate this need. Fortunately, I was able to reschedule my meeting and act as navigator for Aimee, so everything worked out. It just really ticked me off in a really quite unjustifiable way. 

Fun fact

Today I learned that a 70 year old priest once walked from Kansas City to Chile. How’s that for a fun fact?

Update: Fr. Bob Hentzen passed away on Oct. 8, 2013 at age 77. 

Celebration, on celebration, on celebration

We had quite the weekend. Not only did we have our potluck celebration, but two religious communities close to us also had sesquicentennial (150th year) celebrations! The Jesuit community that we know and love celebrated their anniversary with a Mass Saturday evening and a brief reception afterward. It was lovely, though we couldn’t stay for very long due to our own pending celebration. There is also a Benedictine community in KCK that Aimee and I have the pleasure of working with! (And I totally love Benedictines, as stated above) They celebrated with a Mass this afternoon and a reception afterward. It was so nice to be there and meet many of the sisters. We plan to visit their monastery sometime soon. 

Potlucks- a Midwestern tradition

Today we had a potluck. Normally, that wouldn’t be a big deal, but there were two factors that placed much more pressure on the event than normal. One, our house is small and not luxuriously outfitted for entertaining. Two, our guest list totaled over 100 people. Apparently, a fall “get to know the JVs” potluck is a JVC tradition. In fact, JVC sends us an invite list that includes people from all throughout the Kansas City area- JVC benefactors, former JVs, and parents of JVs. We are also encouraged to invite our friends and coworkers. So you can see how the guest list got so long. As an introvert, this sort of ordeal can be more than a little distressing. I love being with people, but I do not like large crowds (except in particular circumstances such as concerts) and I prefer to meet people in smaller groups. Leading up to the potluck I had been mostly excited, but there were moments when I seriously considered just taking a walk for the evening to avoid the whole commotion. Luckily, I had no reason to worry. The night was super fun! Loads of people came, but they were sort of in and out. The weather was absolutely beautiful so we were able to utilize our back porch, which was lovely (and absolutely necessary- in my opinion). I got to meet a bunch of FJVs, as well as my housemates’ coworkers. I was able to spend the night floating from group to group and just having a pleasant evening. Probably the best part of the event was the feeling of support. We knew that we had so many people who desperately wanted us to feel welcome and at home and would go to great lengths to achieve that. We couldn’t have asked for a better KC community. 

Privilege

Privilege is such an interesting topic. I had the opportunity today to chaperone a retreat for high school students called Community 360. The retreat is basically a cultural competency crash course- focusing on prejudice, discrimination and leadership. It was unique in that the retreat is designed to be peer led. There was really only one adult who spoke to the high school retreatants, the rest of the teachers and staff passively watched and learned. I had an interesting discussion after leaving Friday night (the retreat was 2 days, but due to prior commitments we could only stay 1 night). 

The Privilege Walk

Let’s talk about the Privilege Walk mentioned above. Celia and I had both had it in college, and we thought it would be a great activity for our unit on Life and Dignity of the Human Person. And can I just say... spot. on. There are so many things these students have experienced that I would never have dreamed of. Students that went hungry, have been questioned by the police, have been a victim of violence, don’t have supportive parents, etc. To see the spread of them and also hear their discussion afterward has been incredible. Probably the most poignant stories are the ones of close friends who had absolutely no idea that they came from such different circumstances. Some of the more privileged students expressed their gratitude for their fortunate circumstances and also mentioned the admiration they had for their friends and classmates who came from a lot less, but had similar achievements to themselves. The less privileged students said they felt less alone and also appreciated the space to be honest about their life outside of school. The students really impressed me with their honesty and unity. I barely, if at all, had to lead them to the conclusions that these circumstances were not choices and they didn’t affect how much someone was worth now. 

That beautiful 10 letter word

Discipline, such a wonderful thing. In the aftermath of yesterday, I went searching for advice on classroom management. I knew enough to know I didn’t know enough. Celia, my team-teacher, suggested keeping the class over for every minute I had to wait for them. I like this idea, but it would only be appropriate for times during which the entire class was noisy. Mary, who has a reputation for austerity and severity after 28 years in theology at Ward, gave me all sorts of advice. I could send students to her room during class, and she would discipline them (read, humiliate and punish). She gave me these business cards, bathroom passes that allow a student to leave only 3 times during the semester. She also suggested calling parents of misbehaving students (which Renee and Annie also suggested). 

Well today these ideas became reality. One of my students, precious child of God, is the ringleader of misbehavior. He enjoys being the class clown and has an affinity for ignoring whatever I tell him to do. Today that all came to a stop. We did the Privilege Walk in our class today, which is a serious and sensitive exercise that asks about familial circumstances and experiences. I warned students that I would not tolerate any disruption or disrespect (talking, laughing, giggling, etc), due to the gravity of this exercise. The first act would result in a visit with Mr. Duggins, our Academic Dean. Of course, this student, precious child of God, was the first one to laugh, or rather smirk. So, I sent him to Mr. Duggins. Not that he went the first time I told him, but eventually he did. (P.S. The best advice I’ve been given about teaching is to act like you’re in control and that the classroom will behave exactly how you expect it to. Works like a charm.) After much prodding from Annie, I also decided to follow up with a phone call home, which was awkward, but effective. Discipline FTW. 

An unruly tidal wave

Today I learned what it’s like to have an out of control classroom. I’m standing at the front of the room, knowing my class is on the verge of being lost. My 20 seniors, who are supposed to be talking with their assigned partners about rules for respectful classroom discussion, are clearly distracted. In an effort to curtail the noise level, currently rising like an unruly tidal wave, I visit each pair. Without aggressive scolding or yelling, I try to guide each student back to the topic. My seeds yield little fruit, however, so I decide it’s time to call the group to attention. Easier said than done. After battling with the class-wide side conversation for a minute, I decide to wait for silence and glare reprovingly at the perpetrators. This strategy takes at least 2 whole minutes to achieve results, during which time I catch the faces and looks every teacher dreads: my best students are bored, unengaged, and frustrated with my lack of classroom discipline. After dejectedly relaying the last of the classroom discussion rules, I give in and show a video for the last 10 minutes of class. The bell rings, and I’m left with abject disappointment in my students and exhaustive frustration at my ineffectiveness. Tomorrow, there will be order or serious consequences. 

Baseball

Today I learned about baseball. I know that if you’re my family, or anything like my family, you probably just cringed. Baseball is not, and never has been, my sport. I don’t like playing, and I don’t particularly like watching, because of the minimal activity level. It’s simply not exciting for me to spend three hours watching one person throw a ball and one person swing a bat. I’m not trying to insult anyone who enjoys the sport, I’m simply trying to convey my viewpoint. Given this background, the fact that I spent 3 hours at a Royals game tonight is probably rather surprising. My community was fortunate enough to obtain free tickets to the event and so we went together! Fortunately, the weather was absolutely beautiful and the ballpark was really well-designed and quite wonderful (see pictures). The reason I learned so much about baseball was Aimee. This was her first baseball game ever! So we spent a good portion of the beginning of the game texting Ross all sorts of baseball questions, such as: What’s a good batting average? What are other ways to measure baseball greatness? What does RBI stand for and how do you calculate it? And so on. All in all, a great, late night! (Though it makes getting up at 6:45am difficult.)

The hard life of a teacher

Today I’m learning what it is like to be a disheartened teacher. More than anything this year, I want to impart an understanding and passion for social justice/theology in these students. I’m not overly concerned with memorizing minute details or arguing complex theological content. Most of all I want the students to grasp what social justice is and WANT to be able to apply it. The problem is they don’t have the tools or motivation to get there. I want to explore social justice with them, but they want to do just enough to get by in this class. We had our first test today. It was 50 points, 39 questions. It wasn’t easy, but almost all of it was exact words of what we had gone through in class. 4 students got a C or above, 7 failed it. My first instinct said this is a result of my teaching inexperience. I’m a poor teacher, and that’s why the students aren’t learning. However, after thinking about it a little more, I don’t think that’s really the case. Half these students came into my class whining about having a test or saying they forgot about the test (even though I mentioned it 3 times in our last class and had it written in huge, red letters on the whiteboard). Clearly, they didn’t study simply because they forgot or because they didn’t care to. That’s not poor teaching, that’s poor motivation. The problem is deciding my response. Do I play the TLC teacher and require students to take the initiative to improve their grades, at the very real risk of letting them fail? Or do I invest a lot of time and effort into understanding each student and really help them become motivated to do the work and receive good grades, at the risk of babying them into academic adequacy? The latter seems like the better option on paper, but I have serious doubts both about my efficacy in using that approach and the effect that approach will have on the students’ future educational endeavors. 

Clouds

Lindsay and I were made to be roommates. Today, we were at the symphony pops concert (which was great!) and while we were waiting for it to start, Lindsay and I were making silly conversation. When I say we, I mean mostly I, because I think I’m usually the one that starts being weird. However, Lindsay provides a strong second leg, so things usually progress relatively well. In this particular conversation, we started off pretty normal: talking about the sky not having a cloud in it (the weather was GORGEOUS). Which naturally transitions to Lindsay remarking about my great clown potential. I resented this statement, and told her as much, logically justifying that I have neither a red nose nor shoes 10 sizes too large. At which point Lindsay clarifies that I would make a good cloud. Proceed to deliberate about what kind of clouds we would like to be and what they should be named. Obviously the Rare Red-Nosed Cumulonimbukowski, in my case. 

Bennie For Life

Today I learned that CSB/SJU had a bigger impact on me than I imagined. I have never been one to be full of school spirit. Usually my dark, cynical side gets the better of me and I end up heavily criticizing my schools (all in the spirit of improvement- it’s not pure negativity). However, I’m realizing that I’ll always be proud of my educational institutions. It’s really hit home here in KC. I don’t really know anyone here, but the minute I find a Bennie or a Johnnie (and I’ve found several so far) there’s an instant connection. I’ve also had many proud moments lately because the St. John’s Bible is coming to Rockhurst. I’m finding so many opportunities to gush about CSB/SJU and the community there. It’s totally foreign and wonderful. :)

Bubble Life

Today I had one of those moments when I question what I’m doing here. At dinner we were having a conversation about one of our housemate’s friends who accused us of living in a bubble and not being a part of real life. Putting aside the fact that those are rather vague and clearly meant to agitate, I think the friend has a point. Initially, I applied for JVC because I didn’t know what else to do. However, in the end I made a very conscious decision to commit to JVC (more on that whole story another time). My reasons for this were: a profound interest in Ignatian spirituality, a deep desire to serve and learn about/from the poor, and a need to experience non-Minnesota life. These and most of the other reasons out there for doing JVC are admirable, but there is considerable subtext that isn’t often acknowledged. 

Impromptu Conversation

Today I learned that there is a right and wrong way to approach people. That sounds pretty straightforward and common sense, but it’s not. Backstory: I’m an introvert. If you haven’t read any of the numerous articles or books out recently about introverts, it basically means I get energy from having time by myself to recharge. I love being with people, but it takes a lot of energy for me to do that. Also, I like forming personal relationships with a few people instead of socializing in a large crowd. Having said this, I’ve always wanted to meet new people. I have a passion for ministry and part of that is getting to know people and their stories. The sad part is that I have a really hard time doing this. I really struggle with initializing contact with people. What are you supposed to do? Just walk up to someone, introduce yourself and ask about their life? 

What I learned today...

ACT. Easily on the list of things I never thought I would think about again. In my hometown, people rarely received a score lower than 28. My siblings have had contests to see who could beat the others on subsection scores. My brother prepped for the ACT by taking a day off of school and going through an entire prep book- the day before the exam. He got a near perfect score. It has never been a big deal. Just something on the checklist of things to do on your college application. In high school, I even argued against such aptitude tests- saying they weren’t a true measure of intelligence, just how well you were able to take tests (or memorize a book). I remember feeling concerned for people I knew who scored a 25- doubting their ability to get into a good school.