Conversation

I was recently out with some close college friends who I hadn't seen in months. We'd been together for several hours when this happened:
Friend: Kate, you haven't spoken for like 20 minutes.
Me: I know. I'm listening!
Friend: You always do this. You listen to everyone else and then don't share anything about yourself. Say something.
Me: What do you want me to say?!

My friend is right, I tend to do a lot of listening and not a lot of talking. I like to blame it on society's expectation for conversation- words must always be flowing, ideally in a back and forth manner. That's not how I was taught to have meaningful conversation. Meaningful conversation means giving your whole attention to the person speaking, not planning what your next comment or question will be. Inherently, that style tends to have a fair amount of silence between thoughts; time to value and process what was said and form a response. In certain Native cultures, there's a rule about conversation: it must involve pauses. It's considered poor manners to speak immediately after someone has spoken. Sometimes that means very long periods of silence between speaking, which seems awkward at first, but then becomes very comfortable. It's a slower paced understanding of the world- which I thoroughly enjoy.

Something else stuck out to me about this interaction though. My response. When I said it, I meant to convey the sentiment, "If you want my opinion, ask me a question." However, it's been bothering me to a degree now that can only indicate the presence of something deeper.

Reflecting on it, I've been thinking "What would I say?" My life's not that exciting right now. I work 8-5 doing research that is interesting, but not enlivening. I live at home with my parents and a sister who is 10 years my younger. Our interactions pretty much consist of meals, piano, video games, and TV shows. I play soccer once a week and coach a team as well. I participate in events the Catholic community puts on. All good things that I'm very content with. Just nothing newsworthy.

So what would I say? What's been on my mind lately? Social justice. I would've commented about the perils of addiction and asked what we can do for those people who receive treatment (sometimes expensive and rare treatment) for the symptoms and complications of addiction. I would've said medical school admissions are not really random; they exclude a rather significant portion of racial, ethnic, and social minorities (maybe directly, maybe not). I would've said that non-compliant patients, though frustrating, are often experiencing so much frustration, confusion, pain, and suffering in their own lives that they are uniquely in need of committed, persistent providers. I would've mourned so many injustices of the recent months.

But I didn't. Instead, I asked what they wanted to hear.

Let me be clear. My friends are great and we often had conversations on similar topics for hours in college. Had I said any of these things, they probably would've taken me seriously and engaged those thoughts. However, broaching these ideas during a casual get together celebrating a number of accomplishments is awkward at best.

I don't always want to dig into the heavy stuff. I'm not anti-fun. I'm just having a hard time talking about myself without expressing these convictions. 

Transportation

Let’s pick up where we left off: transportation. I discovered in the fall that March for Life and Reorientation retreat (affectionately called ReO) overlapped. Disappointed, I asked my department chair if I could somehow do both. We brainstormed and found that the bus for March for Life drove through Indianapolis, where I could get a train to Chicago (destination for ReO)! We had to check a few small logistics before committing ourselves. We called the director of March for Life at the archdiocese to ask for permission to drop me off in Indianapolis- he approved. I emailed JVC to ask for permission to be late to ReO and coordinate a ride to the retreat site- permission granted and transportation organized. JVC emailed FJVs to ask for someone to come sit in the train station in Indianapolis with me from 2-6am while I waited for the train- Rachel, a saint, volunteered! Victory! I booked the train ticket for the morning of Wed. Jan. 22. 

M4L

I never thought I would attend the March for Life. While I understand the importance of the abortion issue, I’m not passionate about it. Would I carry a baby full-term, even if out of wedlock? I hope so. Would I want others to do the same? Yes. Does that make me pro-life? I’m not sure. 

That being said, I volunteered to chaperone Bishop Ward’s trip to the March for Life because I though it would be a great way to know students better. What could be more bonding than a 30 hour bus ride with 37 high school students? 

Gone

Mondays are the worst. I haven’t been awake at 7am the past two days, much less left the house at that hour. I had to leave my nice warm bed for this frigid darkness. Aimee and I trudge groggily to the car. Then the adrenaline hits. “Aimee, we did park the car here, right?” “Have you or your coworkers used it since yesterday afternoon?” Phones come out. I dial Rockhurst security. Aimee dials her supervisor. “Hi, we parked our car in your parking lot and now it’s gone.” Maybe it’s been towed?? “It’s a 1997 red Jeep Cherokee with ‘Donnelly College’ written on both sides... It was parked on the south end of the lot off 54th St... We are in possession of both keys... No there’s no broken glass on the ground.... Ok, thank you.” I dial Bishop Ward. “Hi, I’m going to be late to work. Our car was stolen.” Rockhurst security arrives in person and takes a statement. We receive instructions to call the police. We walk back to the house, now fully awake. I call KCMO police and file a report with someone who gives me the impression this case won’t be high priority (did I mention our relatively high neighborhood crime rate?). I call our JVC staff person and relay to her the news and report numbers. She asks me to file an accident report. Lesson learned: possessions are fleeting. 

UPDATE: About two weeks later they found the Jeep downtown. It had a broken window, a flat tire, and was missing the steering column. The trunk had a bag of soccer balls in it. Donnelly will be selling it for parts. 

Also, nothing will really rattle you like having a large piece of property taken. You begin to have minimal, but persistent anxiety. You worry about personal items being stolen. Personal safety becomes a larger concern. You start to fear leaving the house because you don’t know what you’ll return to. I’m beginning to understand what people mean when they say living among poverty is stressful.

Darts

Being an introvert, I often find it difficult to invest much in relations I don’t see lasting. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. However, I find the get-to-know-you process strenuous and therefore won’t go through that pain if it isn’t going to be worth it. Having said that, I never want to underestimate the power of good company. Tonight we spent several hours with two FJVs. We didn’t do anything special and the conversation wasn’t particularly awesome, but I altogether enjoyed the evening. It only took a few drinks, a dartboard, and fantastic people. 

Gifts from God

At least I don’t have to teach today. Instead I’m supervising/babysitting. The NET team runs freshmen retreat, which means I coordinate transportation, serve the meal, and find any items they might need. Not the most glamorous job, but necessary. And it gets me out of teaching. 

Cue Jesuit novice. Matt walks in with the principal and introduces himself with a warm handshake. Genuine joy radiates from him. I notice it particularly when talking about our affiliation with the Society of Jesus. The principal leaves and I orient Matt to the retreat and tour him through the building. Next on the agenda: serve lasagna to 80 freshmen. Amidst bringing lasagnas from the oven to the counter and refilling salad bowls, I hear Matt interacting with the students. A simple action: putting salad on their plates. Yet, he uses that as an opportunity to meet each student; to show them he cares and is excited to be with them. Oh if every teacher were this way, how different our education would be. 

After cleaning up lunch, we have several hours to kill. I’m preparing for a belabored afternoon of small talk, but Matt cuts right to the chase and asks “So, what’s your story?” The sincerity in his voice surprises me. He genuinely wants to know who I am. My response shocks me even more. I give him my autobiography, everything from my family to college to spiritual discernment, and he reciprocates. I have not known this man more than four hours and we have shared almost everything about ourselves with each other. Must be a Jesuit connection :)

I went home raving about our conversation. I felt affirmed and uplifted. My soul had been found and spirit restored. I was ready to tackle Bishop Ward once again. 

Surprise!

Today I had a meeting with my principal to discuss my work. I wish I could say I prepared for it, but I didn’t know it was happening. The notice I received was an email yesterday asking if we could meet this morning. That was it. Nothing else. Needless to say, when the conversation started I was caught pretty off guard. Apparently, my department chair had some complaints about my work, which she expressed to the principal instead of me. 2 things: not getting work done in a timely manner and not following through on my commitments. I asked for examples, none could be provided. Now, criticism is never easy to receive, but I like to think I’m pretty coachable. This was hard to swallow. The glaring aspect to me was the person giving feedback. Why didn’t my department chair talk to me about this?! She shares an office with me. It would’ve been so simple to just chat for 15 minutes about the issues she saw. Then she could’ve expressed why she felt this way and her recommendations for improvement. Instead she took her complaints to my “big boss”, who could basically only be a messenger. Fortunately I’m a volunteer, so #1 they can’t really fire me and #2 my contract doesn’t go beyond this year. If I was a normal employee though, I’d be pretty mad! That meeting could be the difference between having a job next year and not. As it is I’m going to have to work pretty hard at separating my feelings from the feedback enough to actually use it for improvement.